


I Will Tend to You When You Are Tired

by anniebibananie (alindy)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Secret Admirer, but lol they love each other so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-24 01:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16170947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alindy/pseuds/anniebibananie
Summary: After Justin has a panic attack, Adam somehow, accidentally becomes his secret admirer? He doesn't really know how it happened, either.





	I Will Tend to You When You Are Tired

**Author's Note:**

> slowly working my way through all the check please characters, i guess

                                                                                         

* * *

* * *

 

If Adam had realized how stressed Justin was, he would have left class. But the text he got halfway through his lecture wasn’t that far from the norm.

 

**Rans:**

I know you’re in class,

don’t want to bother you

But I’m kinda flipping my shit?

My brain is… gross.

 

**Holtz:**

I’ll be out of class in about forty-five!

We’ll zen mode it to the max.

  


**Rans:**

Ignore me. I’ll be fine.

Nothing to worry about.

 

The periods seem passive

aggressive but they’re not

 

AJFLSDJFKSJFSDAF

 

Ignore that please.

 

My mom said she was sending a

care package and it should have

arrived already but it isn’t at the

haus and what if someone stole it

or it was lost somewhere and I

would feel so bad because she said

it was extra special where is it

what if there’s something perishable

and it ruins whatever is in the rest

of the package.

 

…

Ignore that too, please.

  


The texts flashed quickly and without warning on the upper right hand corner of Adam’s computer, and he darted his eyes to catch them all. His computer’s messaging system had been progressively getting worse over the last two weeks, so upon realizing the messages were actually sent about ten minutes ago, Adam started to panic.

It wasn’t bizarre for Justin to freak out, but it was usually more self-contained. He could manage by himself for a bit or find something to take his mind off of it briefly. Either way, Adam didn’t like knowing Justin was somewhere panicking by himself without anyone else around to help him. Bitty and Lardo were good at handling him in a pinch, even Nursey, but Adam was pretty sure none of them were at the Haus.

There was still twenty minutes left to class, but Adam figured it was okay for him to slip out. He shot Justin a quick text asking where he was, that Adam would be there soon, and they would figure it out.

But he wasn’t in their room or the backyard. Adam’s heart started to beat faster, but he took deep breaths. No reason for them both to be freaking out. It wouldn’t help him find Justin.

Bitty was in the kitchen, and Adam dropped his backpack to the floor quickly. “Do you know where Justin is?”

“What’s wrong?” he asked right away, the whisk in his right hand stopping mid-turn. “I haven’t seen him since breakfast.”

“He’s having a moment,” Adam answered, trying to think where he could be. If he had been freaking out in the library, he would have left. But usually this was the first place he would come back to.

 

**Rans:**

Okay so it feels like i’m

looking at the world through

a tunnel?? and my fingers

aren’t moving well. I’m scared.

 

“Fuck,” Adam said, his heartbeat now pounding freakishly loud in his ears.

“What can I do?” Bitty asked, stepping forward.

“Let me know if he gets back here?” Adam asked as he brought the phone up to his ear. “I’m going to try to call him, but text the group to see if anyone else knows where he went or could be.”

“Adam,” Justin said, his voice quiet and fragile. “I’m at the park.”

“I’m going to be there in a few minutes,” Adam said. He turned to Bitty quickly to let him know he knew where he was, that he would be back soon and to have some water ready for them, and then he was off. “Don’t hang up, okay?”

“Yeah,” Justin said.

It made Adam sprint faster. The park wasn’t that far from the Haus—it was a shortcut to the library, and sometimes when they smoked or drank at night they ended up swinging and talking or staring at the stars from the jungle gym. It was usually a tranquil space.

Adam had seen Justin all sorts of ways over the years. Tired. Angry. Sad. And he had seen him stressed, too, more times than he could properly count. Usually, it wasn’t like this. Normally, Adam didn’t have to sprint with all his speed as he listened to his best friend’s hasty breaths over the line.

“Justin!” he called.

The park was empty, thankfully. Adam wasn’t in the mood to worry about how his six-foot-plus, winded body was scaring children. Finally, he noticed Justin’s shape in the grass, caving into himself, head disappearing between his shoulder blades.

He pocketed his phone as he sprinted over, bending down and sitting on his knees in front of Justin. “Hey,” Adam said, reaching forward to rest one of his hands on Justin’s calf and the other against the crook of his neck.

Justin looked up slowly, and Adam’s heart constricted when he saw the panic on his face.

“I left the library because I started freaking out, but then I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I just stopped here.”

“It’s fine. I’m here now,” Adam said, bending himself closer to Justin. “Want to just breathe together?”

His head was ducked again, but his head bobbed up and down minutely and Adam attempted to move closer.

“Behind?” Justin asked, and Adam moved to do as he was asked.

Adam crawled over and sat behind Justin, opening his legs into a v so he could press his chest to Justin’s back. They had only done this a few times, few enough to count on a single hand, in moments of high stress. It was a way to get their breathing in sync, which in the middle of an anxiety attack, was a disastrous difficulty.

Resting his head on Justin’s shoulder, Adam exaggerated his breaths. “Just breathe with me, man. Let’s get centered.”

Justin nodded, then fell further back into Adam as they breathed. It went on like that, in and out, until Justin was able to get control of himself. He held onto Adam’s thigh and with a shaky voice said, “I can get back to the Haus. I need water.”

“Okay,” Adam said, moving slowly just in case Justin needed him still. They stood together, and Adam threw an arm around Justin’s back. Justin leaned back into him. Adam wanted to ask what happened, wanted to know what had caused him to lose it, but he didn’t want to trigger him further.

When they got back to the Haus, Bitty was in the kitchen with a glass of water and a few snacks laid out. He made a point of continuing to work in the kitchen so it wasn’t a big deal, but he turned to smile at Justin as he came to sit.

“Can I do anything for you?” Bitty asked.

Justin shook his head. “I’m just going to head up to our room, but I’ll let you know. Thanks, Bits.”

Bitty nodded. “I’m here if you need me.”

Adam grabbed the water from Justin and let him lead the way to their room. When they arrived, Justin fell into the bottom bunk without hesitation. He kicked off his shoes, and Adam helped get them off all the way before laying down behind him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Adam asked, trying to make sure his presence was known without smothering Justin.

Justin turned toward him, curving into his chest with a shaky breath. “I don't… I don’t know how it happened. One second it was going to be okay, and the next I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.”

Adam brought a hand to Justin’s arm, squeezing his forearm with reassurance and letting his hand drop to the fragile flesh of Justin’s wrist. Slowly, he rubbed a circle there with his thumb.

“Dude, how am I supposed to do this without you?” Justin asked.

“You don’t have to. Ever,” Adam said quickly, with reassurance. He could feel the relief wash over Justin’s face. Why would Adam ever leave? Before Justin, he had had friends, but it was nothing like the two of them together. They made sense in the simplest and most wonderful way.

“Can we cuddle and watch a movie?” Justin asked. “I can’t think about homework right now or my heart will beat out of my chest again.”

“We don’t want that, man,” Adam said. He released his hold on Justin’s wrist to reach behind him for his laptop, bringing it up between them. “You pick the movie, okay?”

Justin put _The Sandlot_ on, and Adam opened up his arm to let his best friend lay on his chest. Thank god they were comfortable with physicality, because Adam liked knowing her could reach out for comfort and it would be there. He liked knowing he could help Justin pull himself back to reality with breathing and contact and hands. It was so much easier than watching without being able to do anything.

Adam watched the movie, but he also watched Justin. He wanted to know his best friend was calming down, but it was working because their breaths were growing in sync again. It was going to be okay, Adam thought. Things with them always were.

* * *

Adam sat next to the computer, waiting for his paper to print, while he looked down at his handwritten note. It was probably obvious it was from him, but that wasn't the point. The point was to give Justin something to brighten his day after the hell that was his panic attack and the residual workload.

They had tried to be careful to take it easy, but it was hard when Justin had so many things that piled up in his life. He was dedicated, which was good. Adam made him take breaks and made sure he ate, stay hydrated. It was a nice note, to support him after all that.

_Your presentation is awesome. Your hard work majorly paid off. xo._

It had taken a few times of rewriting before he was happy with it. He just didn't want the note to seem overbearing or annoying. Adam knew the last thing Justin wanted was to feel pitied. The note wasn’t great, maybe, but it would hopefully be enough to cheer Justin up.

Obviously, he had been worried about him since the panic attack. Justin hadn’t exploded that badly maybe ever. Not since Adam could recall, anyhow, and that was something Adam would most definitely remember.

Adam picked up his paper from the printer and folded the note delicately as he walked back to the table where Justin sat. Bitty was on the end, typing into his laptop, and Dex was beside him.

“You type so loud,” Dex said.

Bitty paused, eyeing him over the top of his screen. “You’re complaining to avoid doing work.”

Dex grumbled and that was answer enough.

Justin began packing up his laptop, and Adam slipped the note into his bag as inconspicuous as possible. Justin put his laptop in and zipped the teeth shut.

“Wish me luck,” he said before exiting to a chorus of good luck’s.

Dex’s eyes were narrowed, trained on Adam.

“What?”

“What did you put in his bag?” Dex asked.

Adam shrugged. “It was just a supportive note. Something to cheer him up. He’s been so stressed.”

“That’s very nice,” Bitty said.

Adam watched the doorway Justin had left, almost as if he could still see him. He had been off the last few days, as if he was playing at being himself. Adam wished he could shake him back to himself. He wished he could do anything to help—which was why he wrote the letter. Hopefully, it would help.

* * *

It _did_ help. The problem was, Adam may have accidentally created a _new_ problem.

“Who do you think it was?” Justin asked, holding the note in his hand.

Bitty was giving Adam a pointed look over the kitchen table.

“I don’t know!” Adam said. “Definitely someone who appreciates your work.”

 _And his humor and his intelligence and his everything,_ Adam thought. That's what best friends were for. He loved him unconditionally. He couldn’t understand how Justin hadn’t known his penmanship, though. After all the notes left in their bedroom on sticky notes, he thought it would have been obvious.

Justin nodded, a smile coming to his lips. “It’s kinda like a secret admirer.”

“Exactly like a secret admirer,” Adam said. It made him smile because Justin was smiling, and that had been the whole point of this, right?

Bitty’s eyes intensified.

It was just nice. Adam was being nice, and it wouldn’t hurt to let the little white lie exist, right? It didn’t have to be a big thing. He could write one more note, make Ransom happy about the little surprise, and give up the whole charade. The secret admirer disappearing after two notes wouldn’t hurt.

“I’m going to go up to shower. We on for studying after dinner?” Justin asked.

Adam nodded, waving him away. When he turned back around, Bitty was still staring at him.

“It’s harmless.”

“You convinced the boy he has a secret admirer,” Bitty said, voice as stern as he could manage. “You don’t see how this could blow up in your face?”

Adam shrugged. “It makes him happy. He’s been so stressed, it can’t really be that bad, can it?”

“Adam Birkholtz…” Bitty pushed himself up from his chair and leaned over the table, one finger pointed at Adam’s chest. “If this blows up, I’m telling you I told you so. And I’m not baking you anything as an apology gift.”

“Dude,” Adam said. “This will not blow up. I’ll be done with it in like half a week.”

Bitty didn’t look so sure, but Adam was sure it would be okay.

* * *

The note sat pinned above Justin’s desk, next to a birthday card he had gotten from his family and a picture of the whole team after playoffs the year previous.

Adam gulped, sitting down at his own desk and pulling out a piece of looseleaf paper. It wasn’t a big deal. Really.

_Your jokes are always hilarious, and you have the most contagious smile._

This was a good idea, right? Adam folded the note and put it in his desk drawer. He’d sneak it into Justin’s backpack tomorrow before class.

* * *

“I’m not trying to get my hopes up or anything.”

Adam paused outside the doorway to the kitchen, pushing himself further against the wall. That was Justin’s voice, and he had the nagging sort of feeling that this conversation probably pertained to the notes. Justin hadn’t said anything to him about getting the second one yesterday after class, but apparently he had and was talking to somebody else about it.

“I don’t know, man,” Nursey said. There was a clang, and the two laughed as one of them picked something up from the floor. “It seems like a declare of intent to me. People don’t write love notes when they don’t care, right? I know I’m a romantic, but come on.”

 _Love notes?_ Adam hadn’t truly thought about them that way, despite the title of secret admirer hanging in the air.

“I know that he– what was that?”

Adam looked down at his own feet on the creaky floorboard and pushed through the kitchen door, trying to retake control of this situation. “Hey guys, how’s it going?” he started, casually pushing past them to get to his Gatorade in the fridge. “What you two moaning about?”

 _Stay chill,_ Adam thought, turning around and untwisting his drink. He leaned against the counter and watched Nursey and Justin share a look. Justin shrugged as he finished off his bowl of cereal and dumped it into the sink.

“I got another note is all,” Justin said. “Nothing crazy. How’d your test go?”

“Good,” Adam said with a nod. “Well, if good is the same as I probably need to drop out of college because my GPA is crushed, but I think I’m handling it well.”

“I swear sometimes you’re as dramatic as me,” Nursey said. “I’m meeting Dex at the library, either of you want to join?”

“I would, but I’m busy lying on my bed and pretending the world doesn’t exist for like 26 minutes approximately.” Adam winked as he finished, mostly because he was joking and partially because he wasn’t. It was normal dread, though, and he didn’t want to bring Justin down with him.

“You good, bro?” Justin asked.

Adam nodded. “Just being extra. You good?”

Justin smiled. His hand hovered over his pocket, and Adam wondered if the note sat inside or if he was just perceiving things that weren’t there.

“Feeling real good, man.” Justin laughed a little and reached out to pat Adam’s shoulder.

“Well, _I_ feel great,” Nursey interjected. “You coming to the library, Rans?”

“Coming,” Justin said, waving goodbye to Adam over his shoulder.

The kitchen was silent. “Fuck,” Adam said.

* * *

“Just one more,” he said, scratching away at a notecard he had borrowed from Dex.

“This isn’t healthy.” Bitty sorted through the trail mix in the bowl on his stomach, picking out a raisin and popping it into his mouth.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Adam asked. “Who _seeks_ out the raisins.”

“They’re a great energy boost,” Bitty said after swallowing down a mouthful.

“Ew. You and Jack are made for each other.” Adam tapped his pen against his thigh, staring at the blank notecard. _Love notes_ , he thought again, remembering the conversation he had caught yesterday. This _was_ stupid, Adam thought.

But then he remembered the way Justin had sat panicked on the lawn of the park, unable to breath until Adam slipped behind him and offered comfort. This was a nice, harmless thing. One last note, and then Adam would give it up and let Justin resettle into his life.

One more note.

* * *

“Hey, you know that girl from my Thursday lecture? She’s got the pink highlights? Anastasia?” Justin asked as he sat on the floor of their room, flashcards laid around him.

Adam looked up from the textbook he was reading on his bed, lying on his stomach. “Yeah. She’s hot.”

Justin nodded, diverting his eyes between his notecards and Adam. He seemed a little nervous, and Adam couldn’t figure out why. “She asked me on a date.”

“Suh-weet dude!” Adam exclaimed, pushing back up to a sitting position. He edged off the bed, resting his back on the side as he spread his legs out in front of him. “When are you two going out?”

“Oh, um.” Justin cleared his throat, collecting the blue flashcards to his right into a pile. “We aren’t. I said no.”

Adam watched Justin’s face, wondering what it meant. It was probably just because Justin had a lot going on. Maybe he was stressed out? As Adam contemplated Justin’s schedule, he tried to think if there were any big assignments coming up he didn't know about. After the presentation last week and the paper due at the beginning of this one, all Justin _should_ have is the test they were already studying for.

But if Justin wasn’t stressed, then why was he turning down a date?

“You weren’t feeling the connection?” Adam asked. He tried to keep his eyes casually on his book, but when he flipped his gaze up Justin was staring at him.

Justin shrugged. “With the whole secret admirer thing, I guess I’ve just realized I’m not into flings anymore. It kinda seems like she might just want to hook up, and I don’t think I want that right now.”

Fuck. Adam really needed to end this. He needed to stop before he got Justin’s hope up any more for some magical prince charming at the end of this game, when in actuality it was just him… Adam. Why hadn’t he just bought him a cookie as a surprise instead of writing him these notes that were snowballing out of control?

“Right on,” Adam said. He kicked his leg out and hit Justin’s thigh lightly, pausing for a second as Justin’s hand grazed the skin of his ankle, before he pulled it back. He felt off-kilter for a beat. “That’s awesome. Fuck meaningless.”

“Yeah…” Justin’s eyebrows crashed together, and before Adam could get a good read of his face, Justin was bounding up to his feet. “I’m going to get a snack. You want anything from the kitchen?”

“Nah. I’m good. Thanks, though.”

Justin paused, looking over his shoulder, before heading out the door. Despite attempting to read some more, Adam couldn’t shake an eerie sense of feeling. Something was off, and for the first time in their friendship, he felt like he was missing something in his best friend’s life. Was Justin actually keeping something from him?

Maybe he was being paranoid because of the panic attack. Maybe this was just his brain acting up, it _had_ to be.

“Okay,” Justin said as he flung through the door, a bag of pretzels underneath his arm, “can you quiz me on my red flashcards?”

“Hell yeah, dude.” Adam slid over to Justin, grabbing up the pile. “Let’s do this.”

Justin smiled, wide and bright, and Adam chastised himself for ever thinking anything was wrong. They were always good, the two of them. Perfect, even.

* * *

That night, Adam fell into a dream of the team. They were all on the ice, skating around, and suddenly the rink was moving up and down like choppy waves on a lake. He tried to skate over the bumps, but he was wildly out of control. Chowder had wrangled Bitty and Dex off of the ice, and Nursey had skated off with Whisky, but Justin was on the other side of the rink.

He was skating as if he didn’t notice there was anything wrong with the ice, looking over at him with a wave and a smile. Adam tried to yell, to warn him, but the second he opened his mouth he startled awake.

The moon was streaming through the open window, along with a cold wind, and Adam pushed himself up from bed to go shut it. The frame was old wood, so it took more strength than he was willing to give still half asleep, but he was able to get it shut with a good shove.

When he turned around, Justin was sitting at his desk. The notecards were evenly distributed into their piles, though he wasn't touching them. His laptop wasn’t open, and he held his Samwell water bottle in his hands.

“Dude, why are you up?” Adam asked. “What’s going on?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Justin said with a shake of his head. When he looked back up, her had a tired smile on his face. “I was having anxiety dreams. I think I’m just a little nervous about my test tomorrow. Once it’s over, I’ll feel a lot better.”

“Wake me up,” Adam said, moving closer. “Always wake me up.” He took Justin’s hand, dragging him up from the desk chair and pulling him over to the bed. “Come on.”

Adam laid down first, patting the space in front of him for Justin to join. Once he had got in position, Adam curled an arm around his chest.

“Do you need looser or tighter?” Adam asked.

“This is good,” Justin said. “I feel more grounded. If I start having bad dreams again, you’ll wake me up?”

“Of course,” Adam said, getting comfortable. They were so close he could see the hairs of Justin’s neck. For a moment, he dipped his forehead against the soft skin there and reveled in the warmth. “Sleep.”

“Love you,” Justin said through a yawn.

Adam breathed deep. “Love you, too.”

* * *

They woke up with legs tangled, and Justin’s hand held tightly with Adam’s. Their fingers were intertwined, and Adam was a little stiff from staying so steady in their position for hours, but it was comforting to wake up next to his best friend. The nightmares had stayed away, and they had slept.

“I don’t want to go to class,” Justin groaned, sinking further into the bed.

“We’ll go get lunch when you’re done,” Adam said, nudging him slightly but not too roughly as to wake him up completely. “Dining hall has chicken fingers today.”

“Mmm,” Justin said, following it with a sigh. “That’s proper motivation. I’ll get up and shower.” He squeezed Adam’s hand before letting go, getting up and grabbing his towel on the way out.

Adam went over to Justin’s desk and sat down, thinking about how great it would be when this week was finally over. For him, yes, but mostly for Justin who had been so stressed out through everything. He deserved a chance to breathe.

Ripping off an extra piece of paper, Adam bit the side of his cheek as he looked it over. _You inspire me. I wish I could take on the world the way you do._

The last one. Definitely. For sure.

* * *

“You’re done?” Bitty asked with narrowed eyes from his place across the library table. “Officially done?”

Dex looked up from his notes to listen in.

“Officially done,” Adam confirmed with a nod.

“You better be,” Bitty said. “That boy doesn’t deserve you messing with him like that.”

“I’m not… I’m not _messing_ with him.” Adam had never intended to _mess_ with Justin—it had always been something to _help_ him.

“He thinks he has a secret admirer who writes him love notes,” Dex said. “You’re basically catfishing him, but in like a medieval way.”

Adam sputtered. “I’m not, well it’s over now anyways. No big thing.”

Bitty’s gaze could really be powerful when he wanted. “Oookay,” he singsonged.

Adam hated how it didn’t sound sure. Maybe, if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t so sure himself.

* * *

The party was in full swing—music blasting, people dancing—and Adam couldn’t see Justin anywhere. Last time he had seen him, he was dancing to a song with Nursey and Bitty, but after Beyonce had ended they had disappeared into the throngs of the party.

It wasn’t as if Adam needed to watch out for him, but he had been promised a shared shot, and he wanted to take it with his roommate. He also missed him. He loved his best friend, what could he say. It was always fun to be around him.

Lardo appeared from nowhere, jumping on his back and offering him another beer. He took it happily, drinking half of it while chatting with her before she was off again to talk to someone from her art history class.

Adam finished off his beer and went to grab another one. On his way he was jostled by two dudes pushing up against each other, bumping him into a girl near the kitchen. Her drink splattered across her top, and she looked up at him with a furrowed brow.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, dipping his head down to get closer to her ear. She was shorter than him by a fair amount. “Some asshole bumped into me.”

“And some asshole bumped into me,” she joked, smiling up at him. “Get me another drink, and we’ll call it even.”

He smiled back, waving her along into the kitchen. As they walked through the doorway, he lead her with a hand on her lower back. At her request, he ladled her another drink and handed it off.

“Do you have better balance on the dance floor?” she asked with an upraised eyebrow. Her fearless energy was contagious.

“Guess we’ll have to see. Come on.”

She held onto his forearm with her finely manicured hand, the two separating only briefly to turn toward one another as they moved to the music. It wasn’t slow, but the song was sensual, and she moved closer every step. They were a breath away, and she pushed up onto her toes to whisper into his ear.

“I think your boyfriend is upset with you,” she said, pointing in the direction of the stairs.

Justin was leaning against them, standing next to Chowder and Farmer but not engaging in the conversation. His expression was clouded, his eyebrows crushed together, and when he noticed Adam watching him back, he didn’t lower his gaze.

“Maybe I’ll catch you later,” Adam said, more of an afterthought than anything, as he moved to talk to Justin. It wasn’t the first time someone had mistaken them as boyfriends, but it was the first time Adam had felt something from Justin that made it feel real. It wasn’t jealousy exactly, not necessarily betrayal, but it was hurt. It permeated the room.

“Hey,” Justin said, his voice terse. He finished his drink, letting the can of beer hang by his side.

“Hey. I couldn’t find you there for a second.” Adam didn’t feel drunk, but he did feel as if he was working at least a little bit through a fog. The movement from dancing and the heat of the house had left him feeling overwhelmed.

Justin looked past Adam’s shoulder, and when Adam turned he noticed he was staring at the girl who… goddamnit, he hadn’t even bothered to get her name. Not his finest moment.

“Can we talk?” Justin asked. “Porch, maybe?”

“Yeah, for sure,” Adam said, following behind Justin who had already started to move.

That was one thing Adam loved about him—he was always so sure at parties, in crowds. He could navigate almost any situation with an ease that was contagious, awe-worthy. There was a lot about Justin that was awe-worthy.

The porch was empty besides for a couple passing back and forth a joint on the stairs, and Justin went to the furthest other edge to lean against the wood there. A wind blustered past, and Justin leaned forward into it. It felt nice after the heat of the party, Adam thought.

From his pocket, Justin pulled out the latest note. It already had a fine crease from where it was bent to fold in half. “Does this mean something to you?”

Adam didn’t know where this was going. He ran a hand through his hair. “You got another letter, dude, sweet.”

Justin sighed. “Holtz, I know it’s you. It’s your penmanship, obviously I know it’s you.”

If Justin had known it was him this whole time, then why did he bother playing this game for so long? It didn’t make sense, though Adam could reason it hadn’t made much sense for him to accidentally become his best friend’s secret admirer, either. This whole situation was a shitstorm of confusion and ill-made decisions.

“You know?” Adam replied, the words coming out slowly. He wasn’t sure what to say. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because…” Justin groaned and rubbed his thumb over the letter, putting the note back into his pocket before making eye contact with Adam. “I thought you did it on purpose,” Justin said, keeping his voice as even as possible. Adam felt like he was being talked to the way a child would, slowly being walked through so he didn’t miss a step.

“You thought I was being your secret admirer on purpose? Why?” Adam asked.

Justin looked sad, and his sigh felt heavy. This wasn’t the sort of energy they were supposed to be having right now. They should be getting drinks and dancing until their limbs ached. They should be celebrating getting through their week, and for Justin getting through the shit.

“You really don’t know?” Justin asked, tilting his head. He looked away before turning back, determination on his features. “I thought it was a romantic gesture, dude. I thought you were declaring intent.”

 _It seems like a declare of intent to me,_ Nursey had said when Adam listened in to their conversation. They had been talking about _him._ This whole time, Justin had known the notes were coming from him. And he was… what? Okay with it?

“I wanted it to be you,” Justin said when it was clear Adam was speechless. His eyes searched Adam’s face, drinking him in. “I thought this was our moment to step into something else, I mean we’ve been on the edge of it for so long, haven’t we?”

Adam wished he could see his own face, so he could know what it looked like as Justin searched it for meaning. What did it say? Because he had no idea how he felt about any of this. Even through words like _secret admirer_ and _love letter_ Adam had still seen his actions as innocent. They hadn’t been meant as romantic intent. They had just been a kind gesture to his best friend, who he loved more than anything.

“But…” Justin said, nodding, “you didn’t mean it like that. I get it. It’s totally fine. We can just pretend it didn’t happen, and it’s not like I’m going to make it weird for you or us because of how I feel.”

Justin patted Adam, still speechless, on the shoulder as he moved past him to go back to the party. His fingers lingered on Adam’s shoulder for a beat before he was walking away.

“And how do you feel?” Adam asked, turning so abruptly his head whirled.

The smile Justin gave in response made Adam’s whole chest bloom. “I love you, man. Obviously.”

If Adam was smarter, he would reach out and take it. He would be able to say something back to Justin deserving of his proclamation of love, but he wasn’t smarter. For the last three years of their friendship, Adam hadn’t thought about them like that. Not really. Despite how people joked about their closeness or their relationship, it had been simple for Adam.

There were his friends and there were people he could date. It wasn’t a venn diagram, it was two separate spheres. He loved his friends with passionate, wild love, but he hadn’t contemplated being _in love_ with them. Justin was everything to Adam, but that's what a best friend was meant to be, wasn’t it?

Justin slipped back into the party, and Adam watched him leave. His mouth was glued shut.

* * *

The next few days moved forward normally, almost as if the conversation hadn’t happened at all. Justin was true to his word, and the two fell effortlessly back into their friendship without any sort of road block. Adam could almost convince himself the conversation had never happened at all—that it was just a drunken dream.

But the words pounded over and over again in his head, almost like a metronome. _I love you. I love you. I love you._ They held a weight he couldn’t ignore, and he didn’t want to. Adam wasn’t going to let anything ruin their relationship, but how could he handle knowing that Justin was there, pining, without doing anything about it.

“You’ve _never_ thought about it?” Dex asked, halfway through a slice of blueberry lemon pie Bitty had baked this morning. “Like never once?”

“Use a napkin,” Bitty ordered as he threw off his baking mitts and sat down next to Dex, across the table from Adam. Dex took the napkin Bitty offered and wiped a smear of blue from his lips.

Adam must have been really pathetic, because he was on his second slice and neither Bitty or Dex had chirped him for it.

There had been a time, maybe, where Adam could admit he had thought about the two of them. It had been right after they moved into the attic together, and they had spent all day lugging up pieces of furniture. It was unbearably hot and they were incredibly tired, and when they fell on the floor it was silence they sat in for a couple of minutes. Just silence and the sounds of their uneven breaths.

“Just you and me,” Justin had said, shooting Adam a smile before looking back up at the ceiling. Adam remembered thinking it would be kind of cool if they could hang something to add to their decor. “What if we end up hating each other?” He snorted out a laugh, like it was impossible.

Even then, Adam had known it was, too. He stared over at the profile of Justin’s face—smooth and long and attractive. It was frustrating, being friends with someone who was so attractive. Not because he was jealous of the way he could get girls or anything, but because sometimes Adam would look over at him and he was struck by it again as if it was the first time.  

Justin was as beautiful on the outside as he was on the inside. For a moment, Adam had thought about spending the rest of his life with him. Not necessarily strictly romantic, but he thought about the idea of never having to say goodbye. He thought about Sunday brunches and coaching hockey games and long nights over dinner with all their friends.

Then he thought about their lives diverging like a tree into two large boughs. Justin would marry some beautiful surgeon, and they would have two kids who were strong and tough, who would call him Uncle Adam. He would move on, living a life without Justin always there. The thought of that stung like alcohol in an open wound. It felt unfathomable.

So, maybe Adam hadn’t _strictly_ thought about dating Justin. But he knew that, at the end of it all, he didn’t want him anywhere but at his side. And maybe, at the end of the day, that was a sort of love, too. A deep, unforgettable sort of it.

“We’ll never hate each other,” Adam said, smiling back at him. When Justin turned his face toward him, he had looked open and happy. It was a perfect, crystallized moment.

In the present, Dex and Bitty were both staring at him, waiting for an answer. How were you supposed to tell someone you _loved_ them when you had already said it to them half a million times?

“I never thought it would be a possibility,” Adam said, and he realized now it was the truth. Not wanting Justin was a sort of prevention for his own heart. Someday, inevitably, the two of them would separate.

If Adam didn’t let himself want it, he couldn’t get his heart broken by not having it. If he could push those feelings away, he was safe, wasn’t he? But here he was, having made himself an accidental secret admirer to his best friend in the world and that seemed dangerous, definitely the opposite of safe. That had been a potential bomb to all that they were.

“And now?” Bitty asked, leaning up against his folded hands with a dopey smile on his face. Even Dex was grinning.

It made Adam blush. “I guess, now it is.” His chest felt confused but full, and he knew he needed to sort through some feelings. “I’m going to go up and do some work, think about some things.” He paused before giving the two of them a large smile. “Thank you for being good friends.”

Dex rolled his eyes. “You act like it’s hard.”

Bitty hit his shoulder into Dex’s. “He means thank you.”

* * *

Despite the thoughts running through his head, Adam was able to get a little bit of his homework done before he was picking up his laptop and mindlessly scrolling through twitter. After a couple minutes of that, he gave up and put Netflix on though he wasn’t paying that much attention.

Justin came in as Adam was halfway through an episode, and Adam clicked the episode to a pause. If his feelings had been churning in the last few hours, seeing the object of his thoughts made all his feelings explode. He didn’t know how to hold all that was in his heart right about now, when Justin didn’t even know there was anything different from the ordinary.

“ _30 Rock?”_ he asked, dropping his backpack off onto the floor and kicking his shoes to the side. “Let me join.”

Justin threw himself onto Adam’s bed, his body half-sprawled over his before situating himself between the wall and Adam. The closeness made Adam hyper-aware of his body, and he felt himself tense up.

“Dude, are you good?” Justin asked.

Adam turned around, taking a breath, and looked at Justin. He really looked at him. The angles of his chin and jaw. The divet between his brows. The slightly asymmetrical lay of his lips. He was certain he could remember all the details of Justin’s face blindfolded and in total darkness. Adam had never really thought before about how he had been picking up all these details over the years, saving them in his pockets like they were sweets to be hoarded when the kitchen was bare.

Reaching out, Justin lightly poked Adam’s chest once, twice, before moving to his face and touching his cheek. “You’re worrying me,” Justin said through a soft smile, bringing his hand back to his space.

They were really close. If Adam wanted to kiss Justin, he could easily do it. It would barely take any movement, and two could become one.

“Can I kiss you?” Adam asked.

Justin blanched. His eyes darted to Adam’s lips before moving back to his eyes. “I know you’re not cruel, man, but if this is a joke or just like a test sort of things, I can’t deal.”

“No, it’s…” Adam took a deep breath and reached into his pocket, picking up the crumpled piece of looseleaf he had written on hours ago. There was a pile of discarded ones in the trash next to his desk. “Here. One last note.”

As if it might blow up, Justin took it slowly and cautiously. The paper crackling as he opened it seemed to fill the space with noise.

 _I love you, too_ , it said.

“I know it’s super cheesy,” Adam said as he nervously scratched at the side of the face, “but I was thinking, and like… I do. I really do. I don’t want to ever be away from you, and the thought of you dating some other person? Like, it _kills_ me–”

“Adam,” Justin said.

Adam paused, watching his friend’s face.

“Kiss me, now.”

The smile that took over almost made it impossible to kiss. But they did, Adam dipping into Justin’s space and grabbing onto his hips. Justin took Adam’s face in his hands, as if he were delicate, and pulled him in as closely as he could manage. There was no difference in their bodies, the two of them tangling together indistinguishably.

It was sweet, but not for long. Soon, Justin was darting his tongue over Adam’s lips and they were both opening up, letting the kiss become sort of filthy. Their hands had too many places they wanted to explore, and it felt like not enough time.

Adam pulled back, their forehead still bent together as they caught their breaths and laughed. “We have forever,” he said, with such finality he could feel the ricochet of it through Justin’s body. “We don’t really have to rush.”

Justin nodded. “Okay, yeah,” he said. “Not my fault my best friend is like super fucking hot.”

“Boyfriend,” Adam corrected, smiling into the word. “Though, I’m still your best friend, too. It’s like a hybrid word now, ‘cause I swear if you let some usurper come in to steal the title I’ll be _pissed._ ”

“Bro, usurper?” Justin asked. He bent forward and kissed Adam’s lips, kissed his jaw, stopped to bite a mark into the skin to the left of Adam’s throat. “No one is usurping anything.”

Adam pulled Justin back to him, the two making out at the sun fell outside the window. He moved the laptop off of the bed for safe keeping, because they were big dudes with a lot of love and a lot of time to make up for, no matter how slow they tried to keep it.

 _I love you,_ Adam said with every kiss, with every longing touch, with every laugh they shared. He couldn’t understand how it had taken him so long to realize it.

* * *

They held hands underneath the table, not really trying to hide but Adam liked holding hands like this. It wasn’t a display of anything, just a reminder that he was there. It was always more balancing when Justin was near.

“So,” Justin said, looking around the table, “we’re dating.”

The group paused, forks hovering. Then commotion took control again.

“Dude, you couldn’t have just skyped me in?” Shitty asked with a joking smile, reaching over Lardo to clap Adam on the back.

“It’s not even a little bit of a surprise,” Dex said through a mouthful of pancakes, jolting up when Nursey tapped at the back of his head. “I mean, cool, wow, I’m so happy for you, two.”

“I can bake something to celebrate,” Bitty said cheerfully, pausing to look over at the boys eating in disgust. He sighed and grabbed another napkin.

Justin moved to peck a kiss on Adam’s cheek, and Adam smiled.

“This is a punishable offense, right? If we’re collecting on fines we might be able to upgrade something else in the Haus,” Dex said.

Lardo lifted her fork to point across the table at him. “I like the way you think.”

Adam sighed, resting his shoulder into Justin’s side. “Maybe we should have waited until we graduated.”

Justin beamed. “Nah. Then I wouldn’t have been able to do this.” He reached forward and kissed Adam, a little too unsavory for a Sunday morning brunch, but it was sweet and Adam certainly wasn’t going to complain.

“Really guys,” Chowder said, “right in front of my waffles?” It would have been more convincing if his smile wasn’t million-watts bright.

Either way, Adam was too happy to care. He’d write a million more notes about it, if he had to.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr at [anniebibananie](http://anniebibananie.tumblr.com/)


End file.
